I Can't Deal

"You couldn't see nothing but fire."

2009-08-14T09:45:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure if this woman was in total distress or if it is just so hot in August in Miami that people burst into flames.

I would have missed the woman on fire completely because I would have still been reeling at this man's horrible grammar.

One blogger called this the "Mall of No Americans." That is brilliantly hilarious.

"Isn't it a Lovely Day... for a Walk in the Rain"

2009-05-29T09:57:00.003-04:00

Sadly, I did not see Fred Astaire mincing, prancing and dancing along Coral Gables' Miracle Mile singing this tune yesterday. Instead, I saw a homeless man collecting rain in a cup during a serious downpour. Why was he collecting rain? Why to use it to slick back his hair a la Sonny Crockett circa 1988, naturally. Miami, even your bums are too sexy for their shirts.

Don't tase me bro

2009-05-16T07:32:00.002-04:00

Kids touring prisons get stun-gunned; workers fired

Okay, having been responsible for organizing and overseeing "Take Your Child To Work Day" events in the past, I get where these people are coming from. But, c'mon, show some restraint.

"Drive by Fruiting"

2009-05-15T09:42:00.002-04:00

In Miami, even the trees attack you. I didn't realize the level of risk I was taking when I chose to have the sunroof on my car open while driving to work this morning. Stopped at a red light on Coral Way, intensely focused on listening to "Candy's Room" by The Boss, I screamed like the woman I am when I suddenly felt a surprise smack on my shoulder. Some fruit from an overhanging tree fell into my car, onto my outfit and exploded into gross orange staining pulp. Ay Dios mio Miami, I get the message - you want me gone. The feeling is mutual, darling.

Grrrrr!

2009-05-14T12:35:00.003-04:00

I envision a "Night at the Museum" scenario where all of these pelts come alive to seek revenge against their wealthy proprietor. Screw "Snakes on a Plane," I wouldn't want to be "Russian on a Boat" with an elephant, lion, python, leopard and zebra.

"The fines collected from Ruzial will pay for the animal hides to be turned into a display, which will go up at airports and international ports throughout South Florida."
"Bienvenido a Miami" over a dead pelt... charming. South Florida, how do you do it?

So he's into chicks?

2009-05-11T14:32:00.003-04:00

I can't deal with the fact that just because one dude in Miami is actually into chicks more than dudes, children or himself, it makes national news. So, he's a priest. A minor technicality. Perhaps the best part of this story was the story on the Today Show this morning that proclaimed something to the effect of, "You may not be pronouncing his name correctly but many of those in his congregation, he's just that...a "cutie."

Can we not just let this guy get some in peace? Is a centuries old celibacy clause really relevant in today's society? Why are Latins' relationships always outed b/c they are fooling around on public beaches, ala Ricky Martin? So many questions...I just can't deal.

Another touching tribute to the heroes of 9/11... Florida-style

2009-05-08T11:19:00.002-04:00

The whole state of Florida is auditioning for a job at Medieval Times

2009-05-06T16:51:00.003-04:00

All these two (and mystery third person) needed was a jouster to come into the mix and they would have been set. Clearly a beer wench was already involved for them to get this plowed.

Only in Miami...

2009-05-06T12:50:00.002-04:00

Only in Miami does one attend a Cinco de Mayo street fair and see a girl wearing a tube top AND a bra.

Only in Miami does one attend an 8:00 a.m. government tourism meeting to see a man chomping on an unlit cigar the ENTIRE time.

Stay classy Magic City.

Dating website connects cheaters. South Florida is one of its biggest markets.

2009-05-06T07:12:00.000-04:00

I can't deal, and I can't even comment.

Olds Gone Wild!

2009-05-05T14:46:00.002-04:00

Guns, geriatrics, fists of fury - a "sonofabitch" and "s-o-b" duke it out for road supremacy in a Kentucky Walmart parking lot.

Taser Capital of the World!

2009-05-05T14:44:00.002-04:00

In Florida, we shoot the criminals before... in fact, WAAAAAY before they have a chance to commit a crime.

"30 Rock" Can't Deal with Florida

2009-05-05T14:08:00.004-04:00

The episode called "The Natural Order" was a delight. There was a forced story line between Liz and Tracy that offered some funny lines. Liz to the writing team as they're off to the strip club: "Let's go see some naked daughters and moms!"
But the show's real highlight was the Mother/Son Donaghy duo's assessments of the sunshine state. Right on the $$:
Jack: Have you ever been to Florida? It's a criminal population. It's America's Australia.

Colleen: It's Florida Jack! It's like it never stopped being the '70s down there.

Shamu? I thought that was Pink Floyd's pig!

2009-05-04T16:31:00.005-04:00

Tasers, LSD and Shamu... it can only be Florida. Why is the sunshine state easily the craziest place in the entire Western Hemisphere. This has to be the taser capital of the universe.

Lucy in the Sky with Moulin Rouge

2009-05-04T15:42:00.003-04:00

I thought it was a little odd that Toulouse-Lautrec was one of the flight attendants on my last cross-Atlantic voyage on Virgin.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

2009-04-30T16:54:00.002-04:00

Bang, bang, shoot, shoot.

Swine Flu or Shitfaced????

2009-04-29T13:56:00.002-04:00

This swine flu is growing more perplexing by the minute. There seems to be just a sliver of difference between the infirmed and party animals. I'll reserve my judgement if I ever have another encounter with the woman from my recent flight to Detroit who shouted "Go Wings!!!" "Whoooo" "Red Wings Rock!" throughout the entire trip. I thought she was completely hammered, she might have just had a touch of the swine influenza.

Geriatric Flashing

2009-04-28T13:39:00.002-04:00

While Blue Iris from the Howard Stern Show lays in a hospital on life support, Shirley Jones steps in to fill the demand for old people getting naked. Who says old people and porn don't mix? As Blue Iris would say, "This is better than rejuvination."

Shirley you minx! Surely, you must be joking.

cough cough Excuse me, I seem to have caught something when I was on my exclusive getaway to the slums of Asia and Mexico:

2009-04-28T13:12:00.003-04:00

Swine flu, Bird flu, Foot & Mouth disease - I can't deal with any of you.

I can't wait until we all have to hook up like this.

Willy Wonka... the wasted version

2009-04-24T10:23:00.003-04:00

Look, if I wanted to get hammered by inhaling something, wouldn't I just try snuffing? Or coke? While this seems like a good low calorie substitute for a night of binge drinking, it just doesn't sound like as much fun.

"Hey Everybody We're All Gonna Get Laid"

2009-04-20T12:41:00.002-04:00

At this country club (reports could not confirm if it was indeed Bushwood), the words of Al Czervik were never truer. Let's give these ladies their due. They're hookers with a flair for marketing genuis. This recession is making everyone get creative. It's time to hustle to where the customers are, not wait for them to come to you. Fore!

Thank God this one has video!!!!

2009-04-17T12:41:00.003-04:00

I can't tell from under the hat whether this guy is Maverick, Goose or the Iceman. HOWEVER, I'm sure anyone with the cojones to mix cookie buying with balls would be a welcome addition to the homo-erotic volleyball games enjoyed by those characters.

Florida... the insanity... make it stop! On second thought... turn it up!!!!!!

"A man in a "Top Gun" T-shirt walked into a Polk County convenience store to buy a cookie, giving the clerks a flash of what he was packing under his belt - and it wasn't a gun."

"Check back for updates" - you had me at "Top Gun" t-shirt Sun Sentinel. Grade A reporting, I'll be your wingman any time.

"James M. Mason knew his wife since she was born a boy."

2009-03-20T17:19:00.003-04:00

This has to be the greatest sentence ever to appear in a news story.

This one has it all: trannies naming themselves after Olivia Newton-John, said tranny being a former crackhead, old men dropping dead from forced exercise, tranny bar fights in Ohio...

http://content.usatoday.net/dist/custom/gci/InsidePage.aspx?cId=thetimesherald&sParam=30390653.story

You just puked on my Snuggie!

2009-03-13T13:06:00.004-04:00

One blogger thought this group of drunks would resemble "Da Vinci Code" wannabes. I prefer to think of them as a merry bunch clad in unnatural shades of maroon and blue who are supporting a charity with their drinking "habits" - pun intended. Nevermind that the Tanzanian orphans they are uplifting are probably the same souls who made their Snuggies.

Their leader MUST carry around a boom box from bar to bar with "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West blaring to attract as much attention as possible.

http://www.mediabistro.com/agencyspy/people/the_snuggie_pub_crawl_111157.asp

I hope 28 percent of American habla espanol

2009-01-30T15:19:00.001-05:00

Survey: 28 percent of Americans would like to live in Miami

I can't deal with idiots!

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/top-stories/story/879356.html

I hope 28 percent of American habla espanol

2009-01-30T15:19:00.000-05:00

I can't deal with idiots!

Survey: 28 percent of Americans would like to live in Miami

Germs? This bathroom is so clean I could eat my lunch in here...

2009-01-30T12:59:00.003-05:00

I need to bring this Hannah Montana kid into our office building to give a pep talk outside the ladies loo on the eigth floor. I feel prone to crying on a daily basis when I catch at least one person a day NOT washing their hands after doing their business. A cultural discrepancy... maybe? Horrible... clearly.

I'm glad to see "Third grader Stephanie" is ending this epidemic for the next generation.

Where:

Greenglade Elementary School in West Kendall

Who:
Disney actor Mitchel Musso, who plays Oliver Oken, best friend of Hannah Montana, aka Miley Cirus, on the hit kids' show.

What:
Musso is the spokesman for ''Clean Hands are Cool Hands'' -- a campaign sponsored by the Hospital Corporation of America. The 17-year-old and HCA Chief Medical Officer Dr. Jonathan Perlin teamed up in August to promote hand washing to prevent the spread of bacteria and sickness.

Why:
Perlin said one in 10 kids carries highly contagious bacteria that infects cuts and that hand washing makes for fewer sick days for kids.
Musso's arrival was supposed to be a surprise, but they knew. Blue and white balloons and posters of the actor with soap bubbles were a big clue.
When Musso came out, the second- to fifth-graders erupted in cheers. Girls shrieked. And boys made peace signs.
''There are millions of germs on each of us,'' Musso said, reminding the group to wash their hands as long as it takes to twice sing the Happy Birthday song. ``I want you to teach everyone else. Can you guys do that?''
Third-grader Stephanie said she would.
''I don't like to get sick, and I'm a big fan of Hannah Montana,'' she said, admitting she owns ''a lot'' of magazines with Musso's picture.
Stephanie said she expected to faint seeing the TV star with a helmet of dark hair. ''And he's so cute,'' she grinned.
Instead, she said she'd wash her hands eight times a day.

That goat has devil eyes

2009-01-28T16:01:00.003-05:00

Where's Brian Fellows when you need him???

Nigerian police are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery - amid claims it used black magic to morf from a human to escape justice.

Vigilantes took the animal to police, claiming it had been a person trying to steal a Mazda 323.
"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed said.
"They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat.
"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody."
He went on: "We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat."
Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa's most populous nation.
People have been flocking to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

Do my shoes match my motorcycle?

2008-12-16T09:58:00.002-05:00

My apologies for NOT having a photo. I would have wrecked for sure. Let's just say I witnessed a true "is it a woman/is it a man" conundrum on the way to work this morning. Ahhhh Miami... with a no helmet law, thank goodness you can really get a good look at someone.

SEEN on Coral Way, 8:27 a.m., Monday, December 15, 2008 - Black man approximately 5'10" with close cut hair dyed platinum blonde, wearing gold lame pants, a white blouse and four inch stiletto heels.

Thanks Alot Paul & Young Ron

2008-12-09T20:48:00.001-05:00

South Florida politics...why don't we just elect Jimmy Buffet & Ricky Martin and call it a day.

A telephone conversation with Barack Obama is prized, even craved, by politicians across America and the world. But when the President-elect called Ileana Ros-Lehtinen she hung up on him. Twice.

Thinking that the call was a hoax, the Republican congresswoman from Miami greeted him the first time, saying: “You know, you’re a better impersonator than that guy who does Obama on Saturday Night Live.” When he insisted that he really was Mr Obama, Mrs Ros-Lehtinen said: “You’re so good, but honestly I’m too jaded for this. It’s a great prank. I love it when they do it to everybody, including me. Thank you very much.”

No more peanuts for you sir, you seem to have had enough.

2008-11-26T14:05:00.004-05:00

"Canadian airlines could add C-140 cargo airplanes to their fleet to accomodate customers like Jaba the Hutt."

Fat people... get your asses north to Canada. Air Canada's comping your second seat. Imagine if you fly from Winnipeg, Manitoba to a weekend of cruising Las Vegas buffets... if you're eating for two, now you can have seating for two.

Miami Dolphins' Joey Porter defends Vick: `It's not like he was fighting cocker spaniels'

2008-11-20T17:10:00.000-05:00

Miami Dolphins' Joey Porter defends Vick: `It's not like he was fighting cocker spaniels'

Whether timely or not, Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter never manages to have a dull opinion about anything these days.
The latest installment? On Thursday, Porter offered his take on former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who is currently imprisoned for bankrolling a dogfighting ring in Virginia.
Vick, who is scheduled for release in July following a 23-month sentence, reportedly has attorneys who believe he will be reinstated to play in the NFL once he has fulfilled that time. When asked if Vick deserves to play again, Porter stood behind the embattled quarterback.
''He's already been punished enough,'' Porter said. ``They gave him his penalty, and he's paying his penalty. What else should they do to him now?''
Porter, an owner of two pit bulls himself, said he doesn't understand why people are so quick to condemn Vick. Porter contends those same people who are against Vick don't often like pit bulls anyway.
''That's the funny thing about it,'' Porter said. ``If you want to get back on that topic, I've got pit bulls and I've got to put them under a different breed just to travel. You can't even fly pit bulls anywhere.

``So it's not like he was fighting cocker spaniels or something, something they like. They don't even too much care about pit bulls.''

Dirty Germans: Schizophrenic cross-dresser likely hiding out in Coconut Grove

2008-11-14T13:42:00.002-05:00

The new HOV lanes on 595, falling construction debris, alligators in your yard...all of these things are dangers to the citizens of Miami. But a cross dressing German with mental problems??? I'm just not convinced.

A cross-dressing American who suffers from schizophrenia escaped a German mental hospital without his medications on Saturday and is believed to be in South Florida.
''He's a potential danger to the citizens of the city of Miami,'' Miami private investigator Daniel Maya said Thursday.

The story continues...he's trying to fit in with all the posers. Smart man.

Denney is about 6 feet tall and 140 pounds. He has long dark hair usually tied in a ponytail and chain-smokes Marlboro cigarettes, Rhodes said. Maya said Denney has recently worn a black cap that says ''craftsman'' and apparently traveled to the United States with a small duffel bag marked ''Prada.'' ''It's not an authentic Prada bag,'' Maya said. ``He wrote it on.''

The Boston Pee Party

2008-11-07T13:21:00.001-05:00

So I often eat from my coffee table and I've even partaken in salad in my car...but ladies, c'mon, cafecito break in the bathroom???

One leg up...

2008-11-03T15:06:00.002-05:00

Reason #236 why South Florida has the worst drivers.

Not my goodies...

2008-10-29T10:07:00.002-04:00

Poor kids nowadays miss out on the simple fun of things. It's sad enough that Florida kids have to dress up in 90 degree weather. The lame-ification of Halloween has officially begun.

Republicans plan special goody for trick-or-treaters
Parents, check the kids' candy extra carefully this Halloween. Some Broward Republicans plan to drop a little something extra into the bags: a piece of political propaganda. Each is about 3 by 4 inches on heavy paper, the brainchild of Sharon Day, Broward's state Republican committeewoman. When parents go through the kids' candy, they'll find messages telling them, "Don't Make Everyday Halloween in America! Keep Barack Obama from using your hard earned dollars as his own personal 'Trick or Treat' bag!"

Not wide? No ride.

2008-10-28T11:56:00.002-04:00

If this law ever came to the US, the men of Miami would be banned from the Vespa - imagine the chaos! How would they pick up chicks? Would the hottest move of all - shouting out to hot ladies while your buddy catches a ride on the back - become extinct? But thanks to the city's love of all things plastic, the women would have nothing to worry about.

Proposal to ban short, skinny, small-chested motorbike drivers provokes disbelief in Vietnam
HANOI, Vietnam (AP) _ Vietnam is considering banning small-chested drivers from its roads — a proposal that has provoked widespread disbelief in this nation of slight people.The Ministry of Health recently recommended that people whose chests measure fewer than 28 inches (72 centimeters) would be prohibited from driving motorbikes — as would those who are too short or too thin. The proposal is part of an exhaustive list of new criteria the ministry has come up with to ensure that Vietnam's drivers are in good health. As news of the plan hit the media this week, Vietnamese expressed incredulity.

The average Vietnamese man is 5 feet, 4 inches (164 centimeters) tall and weighs 121 pounds (55 kilograms). The average Vietnamese woman is 5 feet, 1 inch (155 centimeters) tall and weighs 103 pounds (47 kilograms).

"From now on, padded bras will be best-sellers," said Bo Cu Hung, a popular Ho Chi Minh City blogger. Newspapers were inundated with letters on Tuesday from concerned readers who worried that they wouldn't measure up. "I'm not heavy enough, what am I going to do?" Le Thu Huong asked in a letter to Tuoi Tre newspaper. "And what about people whose chests are small? Most of them are too poor to afford breast implants!"

#1 sign of a Dbag...

2008-10-27T13:24:00.002-04:00

He's not from Jersey, is over 21 and still fistpumps at da club.

Trouble for Anna and Enrique?
Maybe the comments we overheard Anna Kournikova saying the other night about being a prisoner in her own home weren't meant to be funny. According to our Windy City windbag, Enrique Iglesias was at a Chicago club at the end of September and before arriving at the club, one of his handlers called the place "To make sure there was plenty of, and I quote, 'hot ass' there." When Iglesias hit the club, he was, according to our spy, "Flirting with a blond girl at the bar for most of the night and then fist pumping it at his table with all the ladies." Flirting, we get, but fist pumping? C'mon Enrique, you should know better.

http://www.miami.com/

Scared of Santa

2008-10-24T21:44:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the bad quality of the photo...donations for an iphone are being accepted. What you're looking at is a palm tree covered in Christmas lights (there were several) and a full-on Halloween display - the results of Halloween clashing with lazy people who leave up their lights all year long. I'm going to throw a turkey and a rabbit on this lawn so all of the holidays can be covered. I wonder if Santa says "boogity boo" when greets the kids, or if you have to sing carols to get candy at this house.

Douchebags are recession proof

2008-10-24T09:44:00.000-04:00

The country may be experiencing the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, but I know one thing I certainly can't cut back on...coffee table books of douchebags! Yeah, hook it up!

Suck it!

2008-10-20T14:41:00.003-04:00

From the product website

Loaded with the most advanced technology in the industry, this system can
deliver an outstanding performance
That's what she said...eh he heh he

Police arrest Mich. man for car wash vacuum sex
THOMAS TOWNSHIP, Mich. – Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.
The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.
Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.
The suspect, whose name wasn't immediately released, is being held in the Saginaw County Jail.

A fallen All-Star

2008-10-18T11:55:00.003-04:00

I was at a charity event where 90% of the people there are there to network or represent their company in some way. So what better way to say you support drug rehab centers than to take shots from a bottle strategically-placed on the Smash Mouth front man's crotch? And nothing says classy like Smash Mouth guy walking through the (sparse) crowd giving people shots out of the bottle like it's some sort of old people Spring Break and yelling, "get drunk - I just got divorced!" Woooo-hooo - hook it up!

Today's shout out

2008-10-17T14:21:00.002-04:00

Two things from today's walk back to the office from lunch:

1) Casual Friday now means that it's acceptable to dress like Benji Madden in a corporate setting - flannel shirt AND hat spotted taking a smoke break.
2) Today's shout out brought to you by BMW: I'm standing on the corner texting when I hear repeated shout outs in my direction, "You've got the wrong number. You should be calling ME." This guy was in his 30s, dress shirt, sitting in the back of a Beamer, not 16 and skipping school.

A Bug's Life for Me

2008-10-17T10:07:00.003-04:00

I've been known in many circles as a dog whisperer, and have accepted the fact that "I'm the kind of bitch that children and dogs adore." However, I have had my fill of creepy crawlers this week. Living with mangy muts will do this to you now and then-- the daily flea sweep, the needle in a haystack tick checks-- but I draw the line and finding a ginorm worm in my shoe at work this morning. And no, I don't work in a field, at a zoo, or with little dirty children. Just the average Friday morning in the air-conditioned office full of papers and electronics... and a 4 inch worm in my shoe. My lack of reaction and sparing of the worm's life is probably the most shocking feat of all.

There are no words...

2008-10-16T17:23:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I can't deal with living in Palm Beach. Period.

Jerry, Jerry...

2008-10-16T10:36:00.003-04:00

I can't deal with walking into work at 9 a.m. and seeing a girl standing in the middle of the lobby in a skin-tight black dress and 5-inch gold heels, texting away. Was this the ultimate walk of shame? Then I get out of the elevator onto my floor only to hear "I'm a transvestite, dammit!" blare from a TV in the hallway. There are some mornings when I just can't deal with Jerry Springer because it seems like an extension of my surroundings, and this was one of those mornings.

More stripping, less tripping

2008-10-15T16:03:00.004-04:00

Granted, I've had more than one person comment on my talent of running in high heels, but really, for someone who's getting paid to work to work a stileto, this is just unacceptable.

Margate man sues strip club, claims flying shoe caused injuries
An exotic dancer. A pole. A high heel. And now a lawsuit. A Margate man is suing a Pompano Beach strip club after he says a performer's shoe flew off during a pole dance, shattering the mirrored ceiling and causing glass, as well as the shoe, to hit him.

The Booby Trap breached "its duty when its employee failed to perform her routine in (a) reasonably safe manner," according to the Broward Circuit Court lawsuit filed by Charles Privette, 35. He is seeking at least $15,000 in damages. Privette's attorney, Omar Demetriou, said his client suffered a small laceration to his eyebrow, headaches and nose bleeds as a result of the Jan. 14 pole dance. What exactly caused the dancer's shoe to fly off is unclear, Demetriou said.

Booby Trap general manager George Gettinger acknowledged such an incident happened and paramedics were called. The emergency responders were not too worried about Privette's injuries, Gettinger said."A quote from the paramedics was, 'I can't believe you even called us for this,'" Gettinger said.

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/broward/sfl-1015stripclub,0,5327323,print.story

Chicken Fried Chicken Steak was a bad choice...

2008-10-15T15:32:00.005-04:00

Workin' 9 to 5, I often get excited over the random lunch meeting or "day banquet," per se. Today, however, as I forked over $30 bones for some noontime networking with a few media elite, I was daydreaming about the surprise main course.

There was no buffet, there was no menu choice... basically just the Chef Special. Unfortunately, to my chagrin, a ginormous slab of fried chicken that barely fit on the plate, smoothered in deep brown mystery sauce and mushrooms (I think), was thrown in my lap. Aside from the 3 lbs of parsely I had to brush aside, at least the rice wasn't half bad.

Now had I been hobknobbing with Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team about oh, 30 years ago, this meal would have been totally acceptable, as it wouldn've at least been served with a side of Scotch. I now HAVE to go "yogging" after work to burn off the 4 bites I forced down so I didn't pass out from hunger.

Say it out loud... I'm Polish and proud!

2008-10-15T15:22:00.002-04:00

This is a new branding campaign I'd like to spread all over south Florida. "MIAMI!!!! Are... you... ready... to get POLISH!!!!?????"

Kielbasa, pigs in a blanket, vodka, polkas and ethnic jokes -sweet dreams are made of these.

Something's Fishy on I-95

2008-10-15T15:11:00.004-04:00

We should all have our candidates picked out at this point. While I continue to kick myself for not buying the entire stock of "Dis Trini is for Obama" t-shirts the last time I was in Port of Spain, this Spanish speaking fellow wants me to know something about McCain... he apparently also wants me to know he thinks Darwin is a knucklehead. If I spoke Spanish, I guess I would know what he was trying to communicate to me - a registered voter - as I speed down I-95. Since I don't speak Spanish, I guess I'll take the translation to mean: Fish people HEART McCain!!!!!!!!

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got...

2008-10-15T15:00:00.003-04:00

The cost of living in South Florida is pretty high (pun intended) for everyone, including crackheads.

Rising cost of crack cocaine allegedly leads to Fort Pierce man's arrest

Upset at the rising cost of crack cocaine, a 46-year-old man accused of smashing up part of a local business and "challenging people to fight" Tuesday was arrested, according to a police report released Wednesday.

A manager of Dixon's Food Mart on Avenue D told police a man later identified as Gus Young Jr. came in the store about 9:20 p.m. Tuesday and smashed a counter partition and DVD case. As police were on the scene, the store manager pointed to a man on a bicycle in the parking lot and exclaimed, "There, he's back! That's him!" Young smelled strongly of alcohol and was "challenging people to fight," the report states." When Young calmed down, he said he was upset that the price of a rock (crack cocaine) had gone up to twenty dollars from ten dollars," the report states. "Young claimed he swung his fist at a drug dealer in the store, but the drug dealer ducked and Young struck the partition and DVD case instead of the drug dealer."

Young was arrested on charges including criminal mischief and disorderly intoxication. At the jail, Young continued yelling about "how unfair the price of crack had become" and told detention deputies, "Stanky (expletives)! I brought me a ten and they're twenty tonight!"

Ruhh Roooh

2008-10-14T15:44:00.003-04:00

Just got a business email from someone with the email address "scoobysnax." Reason #253 for the bailout.

The Cliche Express made another stop

2008-10-13T15:26:00.002-04:00

Last week it was excessive use of the phrase, "you go girl." This week, and it's only Monday, the overused phrases of the day from the over 40 crowd seem to be, "holla!" (said about 20 times in 5 minutes) and "it's your birthday, it's your birthday" (and it isn't anyone's birthday).

No longer in fear of the LOL

2008-10-13T12:54:00.004-04:00

So I was just pondering how I used to loathe the "LOL"...

Mainly because a) I remember not knowing what it meant for a good year or so back in '01. My roommates little brother IM'd us (technology of the future at the time) and we thought it meant something dirty, but couldn't figure out what, and b) People excessively over use it when typing, speaking, texting, etc.

However, I can now embrace the LOL here and there, as truly, no other words can express my emotions.

Side note: Has anyone seen LOL Cats, I can haz cheezburger? That shizz is hilarious, well, on a Monday, at least.

Do you smell bacon?

2008-10-12T15:05:00.011-04:00

Family Mourns Death of Pampered Pet Pig

I'm sure this swine funeral story will be in the running for a Pulitzer. I mean, Charlotte's Web always tugged at my heartstrings and all but, seriously? It's really hard not to laugh when you see a pig in a coffin and hear Sarah McLaughin's "Angel" playing in the background. I don't know what's worse, that this family paid for the pig to have the dental surgery that unexpectedly took her life, that they actually thought the Herald took them seriously or that the father used the word "birff" (as in "birff-day.)

A quote from Rachel the Pig's "Father" - "We always used to think of her as our daughter. Rachel was to me the most closest thing to a human little girl there was."

And you, Mr. Fernandez, are the "most closest" thing to an idiot that there is.

Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Pork Barrel."

http://www.miamiherald.com/video/index.html?media_id=2270400

Just say no to drunk emailing

2008-10-12T14:52:00.003-04:00

Something I can actually deal with for once. The brilliant minds over at Google have come up with a way to help deterring drunken messaging via e-mail. I introduce: Mail Goggles.

The program basically requires users to answer a series of math questions before they are able to send a message out. When inebriated either 1) you have a high likelihood of getting them wrong or 2) see them as too much work, give up and log off. By default, Mail Goggles is only active late night on the weekend as that is the time you're most likely to need it. Once enabled, you can adjust when it's active in the General settings.

Someone alert me of the IPO for this technology when it's sold to mobile phone companies. Then I can stop using the old "Oh, I meant that text message about how much I'm in love with you to go to the OTHER Bob in my address book." Silly me.

Swing voters

2008-10-12T14:13:00.004-04:00

Okay people...the election is not that far in the future. Inform yourself and make a decision. And if some great revelation causes you to change your mind, wash it off! Don't cross it out with your finger. It's no surprise Florida fucks up every election when we can't even spell the candidates names correctly!!!

Tacky takes money

2008-10-11T22:58:00.004-04:00

Reason #342 why there's a recession....people are spending large amounts of money to look like Halloween all year-long.

A 3 hour tour...

2008-10-11T22:51:00.002-04:00

So there's this show on MTV where you share your sex life with your parents and Dr. Drew moderates. Basically it's a parental intervention for a bunch of dbags. The most disturbing/hilarious part is the "Bonk Tour," where you take your mom on a tour of all the places you've had sex and then SHE takes you on her tour. This puts a whole new spin on family "stay-cations."

Blah blah blah gasoleeeeeeeena

2008-10-10T17:08:00.004-04:00

You know, that Tom Brokaw was getting on my nerves, being all professional and moderate-y. I think Puerto Rico is on to something. I hope to see Young Jeezy put on for our country and moderate the next debate. Daddy Yankee may have rapped about gasolina in one song, but Jeezy named his whole CD "The Recession."

Reggaeton icon Daddy Yankee to moderate debate for Puerto Rico governor candidates
Tom Brokaw, Jim Lehrer, Gwen Ifill — and Daddy Yankee? The 31-year-old reggaeton star is taking a turn as moderator of a debate Thursday among candidates for governor of Puerto Rico in an effort to lure young voters to the polls on Nov. 4. The artist, whose real name is Ramon Ayala, will be one of three moderators at the debate under the slogan "Vota o quedate calla'o" — "Vote or keep your mouth shut." Best known for his song "Gasolina," Daddy Yankee has already made a plunge into national politics by endorsing Sen. John McCain for president "a fighter for the Hispanic community.""I am going to be an instrument to deliver the people's questions," he told the newspaper Primera Hora.

At least it's not the Soulja Boy

2008-10-10T16:45:00.004-04:00

I am officially feeling old. I was reading the story below and had no idea what the Cupid Shuffle was, but did know one thing - that this does not sound like a dance football players should add to their celebratory repertoire (unless it's arena football).

Three Dolphins fined for excessive celebration
The No Fun League struck again this week by fining three Dolphins players for their choreographed end zone dance after Ronnie Brown's 5-yard touchdown run in last Sunday's 17-10 victory over the Chargers. Brown and linemen, Vernon Carey and Ike Ndukwe, were fined $10,000 apiece for unsportsmanlike conduct after their "premeditated'' version of the Cupid Shuffle, a hip-hop line dance.

Now here's the Cupid Shuffle.

$10k - are you kidding me? This dance is about as threatening as the Charleston. Who comes up with this stuff? I have a dance to Lil Wayne's "wee ooo wee ooo wee," otherwise known as "Mrs. Police Officer," that I should make into the next end-zone sensation. You know your team hasn't had a win in ages when they celebrate with an unintimidating, cherubic dance that your mom would enjoy. They should be fined for poor song selection.

Going bananas

2008-10-10T10:48:00.004-04:00

I can't deal with the fact that I tried to lock my car with a banana this morning. It took me a minute before I realized why I wasn't hearing the beep after I clicked the banana.

2008-10-09T18:44:00.006-04:00

It would seem that nothing excites Rachel Ray like a good sausage. Just uttered on 30 Minute Meals while chopping some Andouille, "You gotta get rough with your sausage." Fetish jokes aside, you think sausage loves her back, or wants to snap off her overexposed, overrated, perky-as-hell-in-a-medicated-way bobblehead like I do?

Hot Diggity Dog

2008-10-09T16:52:00.002-04:00

What I get: It's hard and/or expensive to get certain perishable food items in the Caribbean.
What I don't get: If you're bringing an entire igloo cooler as your carry-on, why you would fill it with hot dogs and a cheese grater and then run it through the X-ray machine.

Last Call for Moustache Rides

2008-10-09T15:28:00.003-04:00

Burt Reynolds Museum in Jupiter may close it's doors forever...

In the late 1980s and early '90s, the mustachioed leading man kept his collection at home... later, the memorabilia was placed in storage until the town offered Reynolds the bottom floor of a two-story building...

There are small items, too, such as the 2-inch silver tooth from Goldie Hawn, his co-star in Best Friends. Reynolds sneezed on the set and lost a tooth. "I Care, Love Goldie," reads the inscription...

No... You Care, Burt Reynolds.

Way to Put on for Jupiter.

It gives you... a heart attack.

2008-10-09T15:17:00.003-04:00

Spotted: Crazy Grandma driving shopping cart through Wal-Mart craft section, sipping a Red Bull through a straw. Aren't they bad for a 21 yr old's heart, let alone.....

I'm just sayin.

Why Hammer Time failed

2008-10-09T12:59:00.002-04:00

The latest in someone putting on for my city:

Man with hammer loses to man with letter opener, police say

A fight between two men -- one wielding a hammer, the other a letter opener -- ended with one of the men being taken to the hospital this morning, police said. As tempers flared, one man grabbed a hammer, the other a letter opener. The man with the letter opener stabbed his foe. When police arrived, the victim refused to cooperate or say what the argument was about.

Could this be 21st century fencing?

Parents Just Don't Understand

2008-10-09T11:06:00.003-04:00

Hard: Explaining to your Mother that your Wedding is, essestially, a 4-day long Happy Hour.

Harder: Explaining to your Mother the man, the myth, the legend... Rick Astley.

Hardest: Explaining to your Mother the definition of "Rick Roll," and that you are knowingly "Rick Rolling" your wedding.

The 'single' worst problem

2008-10-09T09:40:00.004-04:00

In scanning through Forbes' list of "Best Cities for Singles," I'm amused/intrigued that Miami came in #13. With each city, the list provides a cute little story about love pertaining to that city. For instance, for D.C., which ranked #5, they told the story of how Ronald Reagan kept a diary and his wife Nancy was a prevalent theme. When Nancy was away for six days to attend a royal wedding in London, he wrote, "The lights just don't seem as warm and bright without her." Aw.

Now to the Miami entry, which included the photo above, like that is the best representation of being single in Miami and of the romantic nature of Coral Castle - manchild alone. The best story Forbes could come up with to represent love in Miami was a guy (most likely nice and normal) who was jilted by his fiance (my guess is for some d-hole who bought tables and kept the moonshine flowing while promising her a luxury suite on the Titanic) and basically knew the Miami dating scene was so bad that he wasn't going to even try again. "After being jilted by his 16-year-old fiancée Agnes Scuffs in 1912, Ed Leedskalnin spent 28 years building Coral Castle in dedication to her. He used more than a thousand tons of stone and did most of his building in secrecy. Around 1936, he moved 10 miles from Florida City to Homestead, just south of Miami, and spent three years moving the entire structure with him. "

At least we know Miami has always been tough for dating (except for Blanche Devereaux).

In Memoriam: The Sidekick

2008-10-09T08:50:00.007-04:00

A dead ringer for Vincent "Vinny" Delpino, Doogie Howser's loyal companion, was spotted at Chipotle in North Miami Beach last night. I incredulously gulped down my vegetarian burrito while trying to casually stare him down. I soon realized that unless Max Casella has been cryogenically frozen since 1993, then there's no way this kid was him. It must be sad to have one's only claim to fame be that resemblance.

However, this has led to thoughts about the Sidekick, and how there are rarely any good ones anymore. I could sure use someone to backhand some sense into me at times, wipe my tears with aloe-enhanced Kleenex, surreptitiously take the fourth double crown and diet out of my hands as I gesture emphatically and otherwise cheer me on from the sidelines of my life. Isn't that all Paris Hilton is trying to find in her I-thought-it-was-a-bad-joke reality television series?

What's more, I don't think I can live in a world that doesn't support such sidekickery.

The Cliche Express is rolling...

2008-10-08T16:28:00.002-04:00

Just overheard in the same sentence..."shazam" and "booyah!"

Can't deal.

Apply now for your D-bag VIP card

2008-10-08T12:17:00.002-04:00

Just when I think it's about time for Ed Hardy and similar rhinestoned, tatoo-like brands to go the way of Von Dutch, I get hit with the news of Christian Audigier, The Nightclub.

From the myspace page: Clubgoers be dazzled by skulls, roses and gleaming crystals accenting the inside of the club while the chic outside patio element provides plush chaise lounge chairs offering patrons a front row view of the hottest corner on the Las Vegas Strip.

Puke in my mouth. No self-respecting dude, gay or straight, should ever be caught dead in this much shine and design. But thanks Vegas for taking the douchiness spotlight off of Miami for a hot second!!!

Holla = Hot

2008-10-08T10:21:00.002-04:00

An experience on this morning's walk to Starbucks got me thinking, "my friends..." has "holla-ing" out of a car window ever really resulted in a love match? Am I being too picky with my high standards of hitting it off over great conversation that doesn't consist of yelling "how you doin' girl!?" across a street while driving a car? Maybe the "D-hole in Shining Grillz" is our modern day version of the "Knight in Shining Armor" and the work van is his steed. Please, if you know of anyone who's met their soulmate as he was hanging out the car window, yelling sweet nothings, let me know so I can change my ways.

My next client?

2008-10-08T08:53:00.005-04:00

South Florida luxury hotels tested in hard times
South Florida luxury hotels tested in hard times
BY DOUGLAS HANKS
dhanks@MiamiHerald.com
With thousands of U.S. workers using their jobs every day, a stock market crash seemingly inevitable and no credit available anywhere, I can hardly believe it will be hard to sell $1,100 rooms at the Setai.

2008-10-07T16:46:00.002-04:00

Look very, very closely. Yes, that is a large Ostrich head peering back at you. I see this wonderment tooling around WPB every few weeks, and think to myself... but, Why?

Is this supposed to humorous? Is this person an Ostrich farmer? Did this person actually commission and purchase such artistry? The vehicle is completely non-descript with tinted windows to boot, so I can't even get a good look at the driver. Is, in fact, the driver an Ostrich?

Alas, I will say this: Virginia Beach may be the "Vanity Plate" capital of the world, but South Fl is the "Stick random objects & images in, on, & around all recreational vehicles" capital of the world. Unfortunately I do not have a photo for the "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Impala" I saw at the gas station the other day to further defend this theory...

Fishing for a pink slip

2008-10-07T12:52:00.003-04:00

Just spotted: A man in the breakroom at work eating a sandwich and wearing a fishing hat. I contemplated asking him, "anything biting?" Maybe he'll catch me a delicious bass in his cubicle.

Make it stop

2008-10-07T11:35:00.003-04:00

Currently playing on loop in my head, for no reason whatsoever...Nelson's "After the Rain." Why?? Is it because I watched The Hills last night and the one on the left looks like Heidi? I can't deal.

Another reason why Ohio is 'almost paradise'

2008-10-07T10:20:00.007-04:00

Banning the phrase "pork-barrel" during election season seems to be as likely as banning "hunker down" during hurricane season. But we won't stop trying...because we're mavericks!

Ohio congressman's office shut over suspicious package that turned out to be full of bacon

WEST CHESTER, Ohio (AP) _ The office of an Ohio congressman who has fought against pork barrel spending was evacuated over a suspicious package that turned out to be full of bacon.
Staff members at the office of House Minority Leader John Boehner (BAY'-nur) became concerned Monday after finding an envelope leaking an oily substance. Police evacuated several buildings before determining the package postmarked from Georgia contained bacon.
A note was included with the bacon, but police didn't commenting on its contents.
Boehner was not in the office.
A spokeswoman says it's ironic someone would send Boehner bacon because he has spent his career fighting pork-barrel spending. He's one of the few members of Congress who shuns earmarks, those home-district projects sought by lawmakers.
However, the Republican has drawn criticism for voting for a $700 billion financial bailout bill that critics say was loaded with pork.

Word of the day

2008-10-06T17:15:00.002-04:00

Someone just used the word "numberous." The reasons for me to move are getting to be too "numberous" to mention.

I want a jelly-filled... NOW!

2008-10-06T17:04:00.003-04:00

The NY Post is truly bringing its A-game today...

A former Brooklyn traffic agent has sued the NYPD, claiming that a crew of undercover narcotics officers - impatient that she was blocking their access to crullers and chocolate glazeds - cuffed, frisked and arrested her, then took her for a compulsory tour of Brooklyn's best drug spots.
"It went on for five hours, and I was tormented in the back of the vehicle," said Serita Armstrong, 39.
"I did not belong there. One woman wanted me to dig my hand into her pants to get a bag of marijuana that she had stuffed between her you-know-what."
Armstrong, who informed the officers that she was a former traffic cop on disability, was charged with impersonating an officer and obstructing governmental administration in connection with the Feb. 22 run-in at the Dunkin' Donuts at Saratoga and Atlantic avenues.
The Brooklyn district attorney dropped all charges but not before Armstrong had spent the night in jail.

NYC Dominatrixes Going Norma Rae on Your Ass

2008-10-06T13:37:00.005-04:00

"It's never been worse. Business is down 70 percent," said Mistress Johanna, owner of Chelsea's Le Salon DeSade. "We've had all these busts, and now the economy is out of control. The uncertainty is torturing us."
On Thursday, 10 dominatrixes at DeSade were dressed to the hilt - in red corsets, latex minis and thigh-high boots - with no one to flog.
On what used to be one of the house's busiest nights, only two customers came in, and the phone barely rang. The few clients who still trickle in have scaled back their sessions.
Most houses on Dungeon Alley, the cluster of S&M clubs in Midtown, complain of similar woes.
Mistresses say the economic downturn and recent spat of busts - namely of Rapture NYC, Rebecca's Hidden Chamber and Avalon - has created an atmosphere of fear and panic.
More than a dozen dominatrixes and dungeon owners have retained John Campbell, partner of the Tilem and Campbell law firm.
"This isn't like the escort industry, where there's a lot of illegality and everyone knows it," said Campbell, who also represents escort agencies. "In the BDSM [bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism] industry, virtually everyone was operating under the belief that what they were doing was legal."
The law is unclear, and this poses a major challenge to dominatrixes who want to run legal businesses but can't figure out what is and isn't allowed, said Campbell.
So now, they've taken matters into their own hands. About two weeks ago, the industry had an emergency meeting. The women discussed forming an informal union to represent their interests.
Johanna's business partner, who requested anonymity, is laying the groundwork.
He's drafting paperwork to start DomPAC, which will lobby lawmakers to rewrite prostitution laws to protect BDSM practices.
Dommes hope this will pave the way for them to unionize, so that one day, they can have 401(k)s, health insurance and unemployment benefits.

Pump it up!

2008-10-06T13:35:00.002-04:00

Witnessed on the way back from lunch -- MASSIVE fist pumping out the car window from a guy in a dress shirt. Finally, something I can deal with.

I'll have the Elk Omelette, Please...

2008-10-06T11:12:00.003-04:00

"Sarah Palin" makes surprise - and fake - appearance at Boca Raton diner

For Boca Raton accountant David Price, it was the thrill of a lifetime.
One minute he's having breakfast at the Boca Diner, the next he's face to face with GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Things got stranger when another diner got too close, got wrestled to the ground by U.S. Secret Service agents, and then returned later to apologize to customers. Too bad it wasn't Sarah Palin. And the whole incident was staged...
"It was so hokey. It was so silly," diner manager Maria Pelekanos said. "One girl said it was like watching a skit on Saturday Night Live. It was so bizarre. It was bad acting."...
After a minutes, "a couple of gentlemen in suits came in," Price said. He said the men checked the restaurant, kitchen and bathrooms, presumably to "clear" the diner.
Five minutes later, price said, another limo pulled up and two men and two women emerged. "They announced, 'It's Sarah Palin,'" Price said." She stands and says "God bless America.' Several people start to chant, 'Maverick, maverick, maverick.' I stand up and applaud. She walks up to me and shakes my hand."
Said manager Pelekanos: "We saw who came in. It wasn't her. As soon as she walked in, I knew." Price said the two chatted for a few moments; Price then noticed a man at the counter who also wanted to talk to "Palin" and was insistent, even after "Secret Service agents" blocked him. "Then the Secret Service guy threw him in the round and put him in an arm-lock," he said. "Then they whisked "Sarah Palin" out of the Boca Diner." Price said the "agents" put the man in a headlock and dragged him out. A few minutes later, the man returned and apologized to everyone for cutting short the surprise visit...
Reached later, and told the bad news, Price said, "That is low rent. That is below the belt. I'm not part of the prank. They had me convinced." Pelakanos was asked who looked more like Gov. Palin; the woman who came into her diner, or Tina Fey, the Saturday Night Live alum who's recently made dead-on performances as Palin. Said Pelakanos: "I've never seen Tina Fey."

What is the world trying to tell me?

2008-10-06T09:31:00.002-04:00

My apartment building has a multi-level parking garage. This morning when I got in my car to drive to work (fending off a significant hangover incurred from collective shenanigans throughout the weekend) the car facing me at eye level was one of these vintage babies... Cougar in your face, grrrrrrr!

I'm rich, bitch

2008-10-05T14:05:00.002-04:00

For sale on South Beach. I'm sure this is targeted to the standard Miami d-hole who partakes in models & bottles at Mansion, blasts Nelly from his Beamer and is roommates with his parents.

Hell no I won't go

2008-10-03T16:16:00.003-04:00

I can't deal with people still saying, "you go girl!" and "girlfriend!" (and yes, I hear this nearly every day and no, I don't own a time machine nor did I teleport myself to 1999).

No it's not raining outside...

2008-10-03T14:49:00.002-04:00

So why in the hell is your hair so wet at work? See what this girl is doing ladies - try it. I is sooooo not okay for you to show up to your place of employment quite that fresh out of the shower. I'm thrilled to see you're bathing, believe me, I am. However, please refrain from showing up to work with your hair sopping wet and then getting into the crowded morning elevator and flicking your drenched locks all around. It's gross. You're actually grossing me out. You look like a rat.

Free bar tabs replaced by big ass tit-tays

2008-10-03T10:34:00.002-04:00

Argentina's Disco Craze: Free Breast Jobs
Discotheques in Argentina Raffle Free Breast Implants to Attract Customers

Dr. Francisco Fama, a plastic surgeon and director of the National Plastic Surgery Association, said that from a commercial standpoint, "there is nothing to stop a businessman from offering a surgery as a prize." He added, however, that from an ethical viewpoint, "it is not a good way for a doctor and a patient to connect. You can't raffle a breast implant as if it was a household appliance."

The latest in car decor

2008-10-03T10:06:00.003-04:00

On my drive into work this morning, I noticed that the car in front of me had a collection of decorative throw pillows lining the back windshield. Perhaps they were there for the stuffed animals to lounge on? I feel a little less classy this morning. Maybe I should call Trading Spaces to redecorate my car.

You've been wronged...but you're not sure by who

2008-10-02T17:49:00.002-04:00

Is it your landlord, the city, perhaps your employer? This site is out there for the individual that's equally as sleazy as their personal injury attorney.

Trojans in Qatar - Fight on!

2008-10-02T10:42:00.003-04:00

With unemployment sky-rocketing, I'm not surprised that some of the daily job postings I receive from the University of Southern California's career office are getting pretty unusual:

Assistant Producers and Researchers- Al Jazeera Network (DOHA, Qatar)Experienced APs and Researchers with a track record of generating and researching factual and current affairs stories. You will have an excellent knowledge of global current affairs, together with a proven ability to set up stories anywhere in the world, often at short notice. You will be self-starting, full of ideas and enjoy working the telephone to secure guests and stories. Experience of both field and studio productions would be desirable, though not essential Ref: Programmes/AP/Res To apply for any of the vacancies, please send a cover letter and current CV to internationaljobs@aljazeera.net* You must show the reference and location that you are applying for in the subject line. Closing date for all applications: October 2008. About Our Company Al Jazeera English tells the stories that other networks don’t tell. Headquartered in the Middle East, we give a voice to the voiceless in under-reported regions with journalism that is honest, courageous and distinctive. On air for less than two years, our News and Programme Divisions are already winning major international TV Awards. Now we want the best talent worldwide for our Broadcast Centres in Doha, Kuala Lumpur, Washington DC, London, and our 23 news bureaus. Our Programmes Division makes hundreds of hours of current affairs based shows and documentaries each year. We are looking for experienced TV professionals with a solid grasp of global affairs, who want to make challenging factual programmes.

Bangin'

2008-10-02T10:29:00.002-04:00

Crossing the street downtown, I hear this loud drum beat. Of course, it's the d-hole in the convertible Mercedes sitting at the light, with his hand out the window drumming on the side of his dbag mobile. In my world, this behavior is only acceptable if you're driving a T-top Camaro and playing Whitesnake, not John Mayer.

Her Eskimo hands are frozen so she can't turn the pages...

2008-10-02T10:20:00.002-04:00

I come from the newspaper world, so I more than anyone get that print publications are a thing of the past, but can't someone hire her an intern to send a synopsis of the New York Times or something? I guess all the kids in Anchorage are busy building igloos and doing meth.

Palin Can't Name a Newspaper She's Read Regularly
Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin repeatedly failed to cite a newspaper or magazine when asked what she had read regularly before John McCain picked her as his running mate. "I've read most of them, again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media," Palin replied. Asked for examples, she said, "Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years."

Beans, beans, the not so wonderful fruit...

2008-10-02T09:04:00.002-04:00

This photo was NOT taken at the South Miami Whole Foods salad bar, I assure you. Why do I have such confident bravado in this claim? Yesterday, in an attempt to have a healthy (albeit overpriced) salad bar lunch I was quickly reminded that I do not live in a part of the U.S. that operates like the rest of the 49 states. The selections for "salad" in South Miami include three types of lettuce, tomatoes, tofu, corn, peas and FIVE different types of beans... pinto, black, garbanzo, soy and green. Lettuce and beans does not a salad make my friends.

No, not that kind of crash

2008-10-02T08:40:00.001-04:00

I just saw two car accidents on my short drive to the office that most definately resulted from dumbasses not paying attention and/or not using turn signals. Can't deal.

A real shocker

2008-10-01T20:32:00.002-04:00

As I go through yet another phone, I was told my pictures wouldn't transfer over, so I went through to see what treasures I couldn't part with, and this was one.

Word of the Decade... or is it?

2008-10-01T14:10:00.002-04:00

I tend to use the phrase douchebag a lot... yet recently, I have contemplated it's inappropriateness (or lack thereof), when people began using it as an adjective, if any word can actually replace it and still get my meaning across, and why I feel the need to use it quite so often. The latter I have chocked up to the fact that a majority of the world, and South FL, is comprised of a wide variety of douches, in all shapes, sizes, and boys size medium polo's.

It wasn't until the last year or so that I realized the phrase "douchebag" was used as far back as 1980... and upon a brief google search, harkens back to the early 60's. What brought upon my enlightenment was a 1980 SNL sketch called "Lord & Lady Douchebag." If you have not seen the real thing, here is an excerpt:

"Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag!

Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well.. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, "Where the devil are those Douchebags?"

Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night.

Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn't aware you dabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven's name are you working on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you.. but perhaps after you have finished eating.

Lord Salisbury: Well, here is Chambers right now. Would you like something to eat?

Lord Doucebag: We're not too hungry right now - just a plate of raw vegetables.

Lord Salisbury: Would you like some dresing with that?

Lady Doucebag: Just some vinegar and water, thank you.

Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven't seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don't tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: "Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do."

Earl of Sandwich: Hear, hear!

Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, it's a long story. Why don't we go out to the garden, and I'll explain it to you.

Earl of Sandwich: Tell me - did Lady Douchebag help you in the project?

Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration!

[ they exit to the garden to discuss the wondrous invention ]

Butler: Lord Compost Heap and Lady Disinfectant Cake!"

Creepy McCreepenstein

2008-10-01T11:26:00.006-04:00

As one of a few lovely ladies who happens to carry around a very small talking plush doll to spread love of the 'Burgh to many, I was curious to watch a segment on the "Today Show" about adult women who carry around "reborn" lifelike baby dolls that can sell for up to $4k. Where my doll asks, "what are yinz doin'?" these things just sit there, looking like real babies, creeping people (i.e. me) out. If I take one of these to watch a football game, I highly doubt people will be wanting to hold him like they do Sam. So I'm not worried...yet. Here are some highlights from the baby story (I highly recommend reading the whole story):

Fran Sullivan, 62, lives in Florida and has never had children. Sullivan told Lauer she rotates her dolls, choosing a new one to care for each day depending on how she feels. She talks to them as she would to an infant, but said it’s really not all that strange.

“Children talk to their dolls, and they express their feelings toward their dolls,” she told Lauer. “And as a 40- or 50- or 60-year-old woman, you do the same thing. You’re still the same person you were when you were an 8-year-old.” - Really?? I don't think I've put a guy on my bike handlebars and have driven him into a trash can anytime recently, so I'm not the same person.

One woman in the BBC documentary, married and in her 40s, said she wanted a real baby, but was too busy to commit to caring for a real one. A reborn doll satisfies her maternal instincts, she said, without all the carrying on and mess.Reborns, she said, “never grow out of their clothes, never soils them. It's just fabulous. The only difference, of course, is these guys don't move.”

Dolls may be one of a kind, or one of a limited series made from the same mold. Some customers order special dolls that are exact replicas of their own children who died at birth or in infancy. These are individually made from hand-sculpted clay forms made from photographs of the child.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26970782

Spotted!

2008-10-01T09:09:00.001-04:00

Old woman (or haggard tranny) in full sequin gold belly dancer getup at the bus stop on Merdian and 5th on the Beach.

You may know him from...movies you can't remember the titles of.

2008-09-30T21:12:00.002-04:00

But apparently Mark Ruffalo is hot with the preschool set, as evidenced by this child sized t-shirt (price $6.95) in a style usually reserved for Grandma or Santa.

I Can't Deal

"You couldn't see nothing but fire."

"Isn't it a Lovely Day... for a Walk in the Rain"

Don't tase me bro

"Drive by Fruiting"

Grrrrr!

So he's into chicks?

Another touching tribute to the heroes of 9/11... Florida-style

The whole state of Florida is auditioning for a job at Medieval Times

Only in Miami...

Dating website connects cheaters. South Florida is one of its biggest markets.

Olds Gone Wild!

Taser Capital of the World!

"30 Rock" Can't Deal with Florida

Shamu? I thought that was Pink Floyd's pig!

Lucy in the Sky with Moulin Rouge

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Swine Flu or Shitfaced????

Geriatric Flashing

*cough* *cough* Excuse me, I seem to have caught something when I was on my exclusive getaway to the slums of Asia and Mexico:

Willy Wonka... the wasted version

"Hey Everybody We're All Gonna Get Laid"

Thank God this one has video!!!!

"James M. Mason knew his wife since she was born a boy."

You just puked on my Snuggie!

I hope 28 percent of American habla espanol

I hope 28 percent of American habla espanol

Germs? This bathroom is so clean I could eat my lunch in here...

That goat has devil eyes

Do my shoes match my motorcycle?

Thanks Alot Paul & Young Ron

No more peanuts for you sir, you seem to have had enough.

Miami Dolphins' Joey Porter defends Vick: `It's not like he was fighting cocker spaniels'

Dirty Germans: Schizophrenic cross-dresser likely hiding out in Coconut Grove

The Boston Pee Party

One leg up...

Not my goodies...

Not wide? No ride.

#1 sign of a Dbag...

Scared of Santa

Douchebags are recession proof

Suck it!

A fallen All-Star

Today's shout out

A Bug's Life for Me

There are no words...

Jerry, Jerry...

More stripping, less tripping

Chicken Fried Chicken Steak was a bad choice...

Say it out loud... I'm Polish and proud!

Something's Fishy on I-95

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got...

Ruhh Roooh

The Cliche Express made another stop

No longer in fear of the LOL

Do you smell bacon?

Just say no to drunk emailing

Swing voters

Tacky takes money

A 3 hour tour...

Blah blah blah gasoleeeeeeeena

At least it's not the Soulja Boy

Going bananas

Hot Diggity Dog

Last Call for Moustache Rides

It gives you... a heart attack.

Why Hammer Time failed

Parents Just Don't Understand

The 'single' worst problem

In Memoriam: The Sidekick

The Cliche Express is rolling...

Apply now for your D-bag VIP card

Holla = Hot

My next client?

Fishing for a pink slip

Make it stop

Another reason why Ohio is 'almost paradise'

Word of the day

I want a jelly-filled... NOW!

NYC Dominatrixes Going Norma Rae on Your Ass

cough cough Excuse me, I seem to have caught something when I was on my exclusive getaway to the slums of Asia and Mexico: